Often when Liela and I are discussing parenting with people the topic of discipline comes up. In fact it always comes up. Raising children is not for the faint at heart, there will be times when discipline must be a part of your parenting. So many voices are out there in the world today discussing child discipline it can make your head spin; corporal punishment, to spank or not to spank; time out, grounding, removal of privileges, etc. The list of discipline measures could run as far as the eye can see.
Our human philosophies require judgement and penalty. Punishment. It must be measured out. We want our children to learn right from wrong, we want them to grow into an upstanding member of society. We think in order to accomplish this we must judge behavior and actions.
Let me share with you today two key things that we share with parents and churches about discipline that are more significant to your parenting than anything. No matter what method of discipline you employ in your homes make these two principles the most important ones:
Number 1 – Behavior is NOT identity. This sounds small but there are not enough words to express the importance of this. When behavior becomes identity we destroy the very heart of our children. “you lied” becomes “you ARE a liar”, “you stole” becomes “you ARE a thief”; pretty soon our transference of behavior to identity roots itself in the identity of your child. The Bible says that “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21) Mom and Dad, you have more power in giving your child an identity than anyone ever will. Identity as son or daughter, Identity as a child of God, Identity as part of a family. Your attitude and words when your child does something wrong will carry far, far further than any punishment every will in molding them into who God has made them to be. Who you say your child is, by your response to their misbehaving sets them up them to believe the same way about who God says that they are. If you ascribe condemnation they will perceive God is ascribing condemnation the rest of their lives. If you ascribe mercy and grace they will perceive God as ascribing mercy and grace. That does not mean do not discipline, it means your discipline needs to weigh these considerations first.
When we are working with children with behavioral issues this identity issue is number 1 in their lives; Who am I, who does God say I am, who do YOU say that I am, these are questions on their heart and minds. Psalm 139, among others becomes a core study for these children, to begin to build in them a God identity. Long before we address anything else. Don’t let behavior cloud your view of your child, don’t let behavior rob your child of their identity with you.
Number 2 – Behavior is NOT heart. The Bible says “man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Remember the heart of your child, what ever influenced your child to behave in a certain way, how you respond will have more impact on their hearts than it will on their behavior. Your heart toward your child weighs more on the issue of discipline than the behavior being disciplined or the method of discipline. How you turn your heart towards your child in this moment will be directly related to how they see God’s heart is towards them forever. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” (Proverbs 4:23) Mom and Dad, their heart is yours to guard until they can effectively guard it themselves. In response to behavior, guard their heart and let that goal guide your response.
There is always much more to say about discipline, but for today guard their hearts and their identity in all you do.